Advocate for Yourself. Be brave. Speak up in small ways.

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Ready for a potentially mind-blowing, obvious truth? It’s okay to advocate for yourself. Perhaps more importantly, learning how to advocate for yourself in small, at times somewhat nerve-wracking ways, can be a huge step forward for your own growth.

You know what? I’m not even talking about advocating for a raise or stopping abuse (though that is sooo important!).

What we’re digging into here is advocating for yourself in small ways like admitting…

• “My head hurts and I need to be alone”
• “This group is fantastic but my season of life has changed. I need to step out”
• “X food just doesn’t work for me. I’ll eat something else.”
• “When you leave your shoes at the foot of the bed, I keep tripping on them. Let’s relocate the shoes.”
• … or the myriad little brave steps that sometimes it’s so dang hard to say.

It’s really not that complicated, right? Speaking up for yourself doesn’t make you any less than a person. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that you’re valuing yourself MORE than others.

It just means that you realize that as a human being, you have value. That you matter. That you need to take care of yourself in order to be your best you.

If this isn’t one of your struggles, you are officially one of the coolest people I’ve ever met online. Teach us your ways. Seriously. Leave a comment!

But if you, too, struggle with speaking up about the small things (which invariably lead to speaking up in big ways), let’s explore this idea together.

You can live intentionally with passion and purpose as God’s beloved.

You don’t know what you don’t know

Growing up, I frequently got in trouble for not doing or actually doing something and my mother would ask, “Why didn’t you just ask about this?”

This is a pretty obvious question if you have a question to ask.

If you don’t think you have something to ask, though, you’re not going to ask questions.

You can probably relate – you don’t know what you don’t know, right?

From my own experience, though, it’s more likely that questions will come to mind once you start talking about circumstances with someone else.

Just talk with someone who cares

When you start sharing your experience with someone else, you might begin to see that something is off.

(Heads up! We’re not talking about jumping into a comparison trap! When you compare notes, it’s not about seeing if you’re better than or less than someone else. That’s a whole other bucket of worms we’re not going to tackle here.)

Not sure what specifically it is but something is bugging the bejeezus out of you? Talk with someone who cares about you to see if you can articulate it together.

Sometimes a really good listener can hear what you’re not saying and help you start to define the issue.

For me, it wasn’t until I talked about it with my husband-to-be that I realized I’d been struggling with migraines and headaches for years. Typically, my head hurts to varying degrees 5 out of 7 days a week (more or less).

(Heads up again! This isn’t a “woe is me, my life sucks so hard” anecdote. Stick with me. You might have your own “not a migraine but something else” story, too).

Prior to talking about it with him, I thought this was completely normal.

I had assumed that most people had a dull or pounding headache most of the time. I also believed that they just pushed through the pain because they were tougher than me, more capable, or whatever you want to fill in the blank.

Since I assumed everyone experienced this, I didn’t bring it up to others.

Perhaps migraines aren’t your thing. Maybe it’s something else entirely.

Regardless, it’s worth talking about it with someone who cares about you. And it doesn’t have to be a full-on counseling session!

Simply sharing, “You know my X was really bugging me today. Does that ever happen to you?” can be a small step toward shifting where you are.

• Maybe that relationship that bugs you really is unhealthy. You just needed someone else to say, “Hey, those are red flags!”
• Maybe you’re pushing through with a health condition that is affecting you more than you realize. You might need someone else to say, “See a doctor. Talk with a professional. This is a problem!”
• Maybe it’s a work dynamic that is truly unhealthy for your health, well-being, and most everything else. Perhaps you need someone to tell you, “Dude, get a different job! It’s worth the risk!”
• … you get the gist

Acknowledge that the struggle is real

Perhaps it’s ridiculously obvious, but you need to admit that you have a real problem. Something needs to change, get an overhaul, or get the boot.

I know this sounds so oversimplified, but sometimes it is that simple.

As the song goes, “You gotta name it to claim it.”

(Note: Expect to see this quote an inordinate amount of times on this blog.)

So, if you have an inkling of what your issue is, name it. Say it out loud. Write it down. Do what you gotta do to articulate that something isn’t working for you.

You gotta acknowledge that the struggle is real. That it’s unhealthy and needs to be addressed.

Does that mean it needs to define your life?

No! Absolutely not. But you can’t address it if you don’t confess it.

Did you know that confession means to state what you know and tell it forthrightly to all who need to hear it?

Confession – Confession is owning up to something you know or believe, and telling it forthrightly to all who should hear it. In the Bible it refers to two things, namely (1) confessing your faith in Christ to the world, and (2) confessing your sins to God.

SimplyBible.com

(Excuse me while my mind is blown again by this simple definition. It’s not that complicated!)

Advocate for yourself by taking positive proactive action

So you’re sharing your struggle with someone you trust. You’ve acknowledged that the struggle is real. (Go you!)

The next step is to advocate for yourself by taking positive proactive action – giving it the boot, changing it or overhauling it.

A lot of the work will be you taking the lead. Maybe you need to examine your diet, lifestyle, relationships, beliefs, stressors, etc.

If you can be proactive about what you can INFLUENCE that can go a long way toward helping you heal.

Did you know that exploring your locus of control (i.e. your sense of control) can go a long way toward helping you heal and make healthy progress? Here’s information about the locus of control application in therapy.

Perhaps you can reduce it from happening so dang frequently. Maybe it’ll always be part of your life.

Paul’s words about his thorn often come to mind. Maybe that’s the case for you and me, too.

If so, that sucks. (I mean, c’mon. It just does.)

But I must not be too proud of the wonderful things that were shown to me. So a painful problem was given to me—an angel from Satan, sent to make me suffer, so that I would not think that I am better than anyone else.  I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me. Yes, I am glad to have weaknesses if they are for Christ. I am glad to be insulted and have hard times. I am glad when I am persecuted and have problems, because it is when I am weak that I am really strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (ERV)

We could go into more depth about Paul’s painful problem (what was it??) and how it gives us the opportunity to lean into Christ more fully, but we’re not going to do that today. Be encouraged, though, sweet friend, that you’re not alone in your struggle.

Advocate for yourself by communicating your needs to others

The third step is to communicate your needs to other people, especially as the struggle arises.

What I’m also learning (and struggling so hard with) is that not only do I need to acknowledge it, but I also need to let others in on it.

It’s easy from a distance – when you’re not in the midst of the struggle. But when you are?

Oh boy, I feel so weak. So vulnerable.

via GIPHY

But… that’s part of it. Letting the people near you know that you need to take a pause. Step away. Whatever it is.

If you’re a fellow Enneagram 2, you might resonate with how flippin’ hard this can be.

Heck, it’s often easier to stay in the pain than say, “I’m really struggling right now and need to step away.”

New to speaking up? Start small

Start with something small. You don’t necessarily need to announce to everyone you encounter, “I have migraines! Stop talking so loud!” or whatever.

It could be something as simple as, “You know, I’m not feeling so hot. I’m going to step away for a bit.”

Friend, if you don’t tell someone that you’ve got a problem, it’s harder for them to help.

And if you don’t say something, nothing can change.

Seriously, how many minutes, hours, days, months, and years of your life are you willing to waste being afraid of admitting you need some support?

I’m totally preaching this to myself right now. (And again and again…)

Because that’s the message I’ve realized I need to hear (and apply), too. Quite frankly, I get scared and anxious that if I do share, I’ll be…

• Perceived as weak
• Misunderstood or not believed “It doesn’t look like you’re in pain. Are you for real?”
• Shamed for not saying anything long ago about the struggle
• … and whatever else ridiculous fear pops up

But… you can shift the dynamic. Starting today. At this moment.

Be brave. Take that tiny step of saying, “I need to take a pause” – or whatever your need is.

Don’t overthink it.

And sometimes you need an advocate in your corner to help you start expressing your needs. That’s okay. It’s a start.

Recently, my husband said it on my behalf – that I just need some time to lie down because my head hurt.

Y’all, I got nervous about saying, “My head hurts. I need some space.”

If you feel like you struggle with speaking up for yourself about seemingly small things, you’re not alone.

One resource to help you embrace who you are

Articles related to advocating for yourself

• How taking positive proactive action can create peace
• What Have You Accepted as Normal – that you shouldn’t?
• 3 Powerful Truths to Focus on When You Think You Don’t Have What it Takes
• 6 Practical Ideas to Focus on Grace in 2021
• Try these 4 Mindset Shifts to Fight Back Black Hole Thoughts
• 3 Encouraging Truths to Remember When Putting Yourself Out There is Scary

A friendly recap of advocating for yourself

Friend, learning to advocate for yourself is brave, big, and downright scary at times. It can be so terrifying to admit that you have a struggle and need support to deal with it in a healthy way.

As we’ve talked about, learning to advocate for yourself can involve these simple (yet at times daunting) steps:

• Just talk with someone who cares
• Acknowledge that the struggle is real
• Advocate for yourself by taking positive proactive action
• Advocate for yourself by communicating your needs to others
• New to speaking up? Start small

Recently, my own small step involved sharing that I was hurting and then retreating to a couch in a dimly lit room.

While not particularly revolutionary, it was a giant step toward being more honest that I was hurting and not just trying to hide it.

You know what? I’m pretty confident it would have been a heckuva lot easier if I had developed my “advocacy muscle” years ago rather than waiting for the “magic moment” to arrive to speak up.

Perhaps you, too, need to develop your advocacy muscles.

Now is better than never. Today is a start.

So, from one friend to another, who’s trying to learn to advocate for yourself: take a small, scary step.

Let’s start rewriting the stories we’re living. Starting today.

I’m cheering for you!

P.S. Want some crazy simple steps to start living intentionally? Grab the Embrace Your Potential Playbook. It’ll help you zoom in on your God-gifted personality and give you practical tips to be more intentional, passionate, and purposeful as God’s beloved so you can become the best version of yourself.

cort.k.loui

Cortney is a Christian life coach and recovering over-achiever who is passionate about helping Christian women embrace who God created them to be so they can confidently step into any season of life with passion, purpose, and peace. She’s also an ENFJ, MBTI® coach, M. Ed in College Student Development, Pilates and Yoga teacher, wife, mama, and entrepreneur. In her pre-kid life, she coordinated programs for, coached, funded, and provided leadership training for more than 60+ student organizations and 100s of university students for 7+ years. (Helping people highlight their inner awesomeness and reach their goals is her jam!)

More importantly, she’s God’s beloved.