How to DIY Your Own Sexy, Fun Marriage Retreat at Home

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We were two sleep-deprived new parents of a 10-month-old preemie. We were exhausted and over-stacked. Something had to change.

After arranging childcare for a night, we decided to try something new: our first DIY marriage retreat.

Our simple, messy, deep-dive discussion helped us start making our big and little dreams into practical realities.

(And we started sleeping more, too!)

That first retreat helped us make some micro-shifts in how we manage our time, energy, finances, spiritual growth, and so much more. It’s been so life-giving and something I look forward to each year.

Each year we’re astounded to see how much more we’ve grown individually, together, and as a family after taking the time to connect, reflect, and dream together.

You can live intentionally with passion and purpose as God’s beloved. One small way to do that is to take intentional time with your spouse to dream together and begin taking incremental steps to make those dreams a reality.

Curious about doing your own marriage retreat? Here are some ideas to get you started. Let’s dive in!

What is a marriage retreat?

For the purposes of this post, we’ll focus on self-hosted marriage retreats alone. Feel free to modify the suggestions as appropriate for a self-led retreat or a family retreat.

As Little Man gets older, I look forward to including him in our retreats. I love the idea of hearing his ideas and getting his buy-in on family pursuits!

I first heard about the idea of marriage or family retreats from podcasts and bloggers. Thanks to the Unfiltered Motherhood podcast, I used her handy tools to get going. Here’s her latest podcast about this idea:

• Creating a Vision for your Family + Goal Setting in 2021

Basically, a self-hosted marriage retreat is when you and your spouse intentionally take time to have deeper, more focused discussions about topics that matter to you. Ideally, you have a few uninterrupted hours for this time.

This retreat time should be life-giving, not soul-sucking. Ideally, you can dream together and decide what realistic steps you can take to achieve those dreams.

My husband and I try to have an annual bigger discussion retreat and a six-month status check date. (The nerdy, big-dreaming planner in me gets super excited about this! If this sounds like you, keep reading!)

Planning tips for marriage retreat success

Make sure you have equal buy-in

If you’re ridiculously motivated to have a marriage retreat, but your spouse isn’t also on board, you’ll have challenges.

They might not be on board with having your own 1:1 marriage retreat if they’re unsure what you mean by “marriage retreat.”

If you weren’t the one googling this idea, you might be intimidated by the idea. Does your spouse just want to analyze every aspect of your relationship? Will it be a “we need to talk” (i.e. you’re not measuring up) kind of activity?

With this in mind, talk about what a marriage retreat could look like for you and your spouse.

A few talking points that may be helpful are:

• Sharing what you think your own marriage retreat could be like. (Is it a big getaway? Dreaming about the future? Planning and play mixed in? Will it be expensive?)
• Asking your spouse what they think your own couple’s retreat might look like.
• Discussing what you both would like to gain from your retreat time. More intimacy? Casting a vision for your family? Action steps to move closer to your dreams? Fun memories?

The more you’re on the same page about this, the more satisfying it’ll be.

Assuming you’re in agreement that you want to have your own marriage retreat, then you’ll need to consider the logistics.

Decide when, where, and how long you’ll have your marriage retreat

Are you going away to a hotel? Make those reservations. Get babysitting coverage (if applicable).

Staying at home? Choose where you’ll have the talks.

If you know parts of your space will distract you, deal with it beforehand. Your marriage retreat time isn’t for doing housework – it’s about enjoying quality time and dreaming with your spouse!

Set the ambiance

What could help you two shift gears from day-to-day work to focused discussion? Soft music? Candles? A special scent? A walk? A shower?

Take a few minutes to set the ambiance for your discussion.

Perhaps it means packing in some battery-operated candles and music. Or just wearing cozy slippers so your feet don’t get too cold.

Personally, I’ve enjoyed setting up a coffee shop-style vibe in our dining room to feel like I’m “getting away” and shifting mental gears.

Plan your food and beverages in advance

It’s hard to focus when you’re hungry! I encourage choosing low-effort foods and beverages so you can maximize your time (and not work too much!).

That could be…

• Not in your home space? Restaurant food, room service, a packed lunch, etc. (When we’ve stayed in spaces with a kitchen set-up, we’ve actually packed a crockpot to make fondue. While we haven’t done this for a marriage retreat yet, that’d be so delicious!)
• At home? Restaurant food, cheese platters, not disappointing freezer dishes, etc.

Determine what topics you’ll discuss beforehand

Set yourselves up for success by deciding your discussion topics before your retreat.

Ideally, this way your spouse isn’t surprised when you’re like, “I want to talk about sex” – or whatever hot topic that might be.

You can totally go off-script, too! Use this as a launching point for your retreat.

Potential marriage retreat topics

Really, you can talk about whatever you want during your marriage retreat.

If you’re unsure what to start with, here are topics that we’ve discussed during our marriage retreats:

• Our marriage, including sexual intimacy (such as areas we want to grow in, prioritizing dates, resources to use – like conferences or books, etc.)
• Parenting
• Spiritual growth
• Personal development
• Career
• Finances
• Relationships (family, friends, church, etc.)
• Adventure/Fun
• Future dreams

Collect your tools and supplies

What best works for you when you’re brainstorming? Pen and paper? A big sketchpad? Markers? Post-its? Laptop?

Will you be setting dates and deadlines? You might want to tuck in your paper or electronic calendar.

Gather up your tools and supplies so you can dive into the fun.

Build in fun, too!

Talking and dreaming together is so good! Keep the good vibes going by building in time for fun. Get those happy hormones moving!

Fun ideas:

• Going on a walk
• Giving each other massages
• Playing a game
• Sexual intimacy
• Dancing
• Working out (you may not consider this fun like I do…)
• Enjoying a movie
• Reading a book together
• Cooking (fun factor should be high for this one!)
• Each other’s hobbies
• Trying something you’ve never done together – get that adrenaline going!
• … and so forth

Questions to ask during your marriage retreat

You can ask whatever questions you like. For us, it’s been helpful to ask these questions with each topic we choose to discuss:

• What are we doing well? What’s working?
• How would we like to grow in this area?
• Can we take steps to help us grow? When will we start?

Note: If you choose to take notes during your discussion, it can be really fun to review those notes at your next retreat! Enjoy those wins and the growth you’ve made. (And if you didn’t have some wins, give yourself the grace to pivot. You’re human!)

An example from our marriage retreat: creating a spiritual pause

Not sure what this might look like? Here’s an example from one of our own retreats.

During one of our retreats, we both expressed that we wanted and needed to take more time to connect with God.

Rather than waiting for this to magically happen, we decided to start taking a spiritual pause each day – starting soon after our retreat.

After much experimenting and pivoting, we settled on having a “spiritual pause” after Little Man’s bedtime. This individual worship time could include:

• Praying
• Meditating
• Journaling
• Reading Scripture
• Digging into a Bible study book
• Listening to music
• Stretching

This tiny shift in our daily flow has been life-giving! It’s helped us grow in our relationships with God and each other, prioritize dwelling in Scripture, and has brought so much peace!

Most likely, we never would have started taking a spiritual pause if we hadn’t taken the time to talk about it during our marriage retreat. Heck, we’d gone six years without even thinking of trying this!

This is just one example of the many that could be a positive outcome for your marriage retreat!

Outcomes from our marriage retreats

We’ve been doing this for a few years, so we’re still figuring out what works for us. It’s changed depending on the season we’re in.

Along the way, we’ve had several game-changing outcomes from our retreats. Who knows – maybe this could be an outcome for your marriage retreat, too!

• Creating a daily spiritual pause (see above)
• Memorizing more Scripture
• Prioritizing sexual intimacy and growth, including classes, date nights, and books
• Making family outings more regular-ish (work in progress!)
• Monthly meetings to touch base about upcoming priorities and fun
• Taking monthly couple’s photos and family photos
• Developing a financial gameplan for debt, spending, and giving
• Connecting with our extended family more
• Creating space for continuing education and personal development
• Reduced last-minute gift-giving tendencies
• … and much more!

Two resources to help you start incorporating these tips in your life

1. Download the FREE Embrace Your Potential Playbook

It’ll help you zoom in on your God-given personality and give you practical tips to be more intentional, passionate, and purposeful as God’s beloved.

2. Get started with your own Marriage Retreat Toolkit

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all this information or would simply prefer to have a toolkit to walk you through the whole process of planning a successful marriage retreat, Coffee Chats and Yoga Mats has just the thing for you!

When you and your spouse use the Marriage Retreat Toolkit, you’ll begin to create a life together that’s filled with purpose, passion, and intentionality. You’ll have fun learning more about each other, connect more deeply, dream together, and take practical steps toward your dreams together.

It’s designed to help you and your partner plan your private retreat, reflect on and dream for the many parts of your life together, and prioritize taking time for the two of you. Plus, it includes personality tips so you can make the most of your time together!

In the Marriage Retreat Toolkit, you’ll find:

• A faith-based framework for investing in your marriage and your future
• Tips and worksheets to help you and your spouse successfully plan your retreat
• Suggested retreat topics and questions to grow your relationship
• A brief review of type preferences to help you and your spouse type yourselves
• Personality-type tips for planning an amazing retreat time
• Suggested resources to inject more passion and purpose into your retreat time (or beyond)

Articles related to planning a DIY marriage retreat

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• 4 Simple Straightforward Tips to Succeed with Weekly Planning
• 4 Tips to Take a Spiritual Pause with God
• What Happened When I Chose to Be Intentional + Pursue Peace

Now what? Next steps for how to do a DIY marriage retreat

Since we’ve started having marriage retreats, my husband and I have made greater steps toward reaching big goals and lifestyle shifts.

Intentionally discussing areas of our lives has not only created more whitespace but also helped us grow closer.

Here’s a quick summary of my planning tips for hosting a successful marriage retreat:

1. Make sure you have equal buy-in
2. Decide when, where and how long you’ll have your marriage retreat
3. Set the ambiance
4. Plan your food and beverages in advance
5. Determine what topics you’ll discuss beforehand
6. Collect your tools and supplies
7. Build in fun, too!

I hope that these tips and ideas can help you pursue a marriage retreat that makes your life sweeter, too!

You can live intentionally with passion and purpose as God’s beloved. One small way to do that is to be intentional about your marriage!

If you currently do your own marriage retreat, what tips do you have for others? A marriage retreat newbie? What questions/concerns do you have? Let’s talk in the comments!

P.S. Want some crazy simple steps to start living intentionally? Grab the Embrace Your Potential Playbook. It’ll help you zoom in on your God-gifted personality and give you practical tips to be more intentional, passionate, and purposeful as God’s beloved so you can become the best version of yourself.

cort.k.loui

Cortney is a Christian life coach and recovering over-achiever who is passionate about helping Christian women embrace who God created them to be so they can confidently step into any season of life with passion, purpose, and peace. She’s also an ENFJ, MBTI® coach, M. Ed in College Student Development, Pilates and Yoga teacher, wife, mama, and entrepreneur. In her pre-kid life, she coordinated programs for, coached, funded, and provided leadership training for more than 60+ student organizations and 100s of university students for 7+ years. (Helping people highlight their inner awesomeness and reach their goals is her jam!)

More importantly, she’s God’s beloved.